now i find every subtle thing screams your name

it reminds me of places and times we shared

---

couldn't live, locked in these memories/now i'm chained to my thoughts again

lol sorry but i just had to continue that part up there because it's so sad. yeah i'm having a mental breakdown. how much has time passed really, i can't even keep track of it. last time i remembered it was 2010, and now we're heading to 2013 and was it really just last year when i joined a whole new world of high school? and the fact that i'm leaving for college next year really hits me hard.

i don't want to grow up out of these memories. i want to stay in this moment forever, feel like it's gonna last until the end. i want to remember the glory days, the good laughs and jokes between sunshine and rainy days, warm comfort shared between close friends and tight knit bonds. i want to feel this and be happy, not sad. i want to be happy.

i wish i could replay all those times, the good times i mean. it's much better than facing the cold truth of reality - that time always leave you behind. it's tons better than facing the grave, unknown future.

and i don't know which way to choose. by god, i do believe in myself, but sometimes there's that moment of doubt and a flash of thought that screams you're a fucking kid! kids don't make grown up decisions! and i just lose it. i can't see the lines between staying in the moment and looking up to what's coming; they're all blurry to me, and it's not because i have bad eyesight.

i want to be who i want to be. i want to not give a fuck to what people are saying. i want to grow into my own skin and be happy all by myself. i want to remember who i used to be without being all nostalgic and shit, because it's stupid to feel sad about who you were.

i want to be everything i'm not right now. i want to be everything i was.

and i want to have everything back. i want to have a free life back, i want to have my friends back, i want to have my thoughts back. it's stupid, really fucking stupid now that i think about it, but it's my simplest wish. i always feel like i'm wearing a mask, that i'm not who i am right now. that i'm blending in with the crowd just to gain their acceptance, which i had never felt the need for. i feel like a hypocrite - like betraying myself.

forgive my rant, but blog, this is what you're meant to be, an object to store my deepest and darkest feelings.

enough with the want. because after rereading some old entries of friends of mine, i just realized this:

this goes to you, if you know who you are. i miss what we used to be. i wish you'd come back and i could come back and we could be the way we were. it's pointless to miss someone who's always there, but i miss you. i truly do.

what hurts the most, ladies and gentlemen, is not the pain of unrequited love or death of a beloved. it's the pain of missing something that's right in front of you, and the hatred you feel for being a coward who's unable to face the truth.

i will end this now and i will shut up and continue my homework and listen to anberlin's retrace because i so fucking can.