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Just leave me your stardust
and the moment hits me hard

now i find every subtle thing screams your name
it reminds me of places and times we shared

---

couldn't live, locked in these memories/now i'm chained to my thoughts again

lol sorry but i just had to continue that part up there because it's so sad. yeah i'm having a mental breakdown. how much has time passed really, i can't even keep track of it. last time i remembered it was 2010, and now we're heading to 2013 and was it really just last year when i joined a whole new world of high school? and the fact that i'm leaving for college next year really hits me hard.

i don't want to grow up out of these memories. i want to stay in this moment forever, feel like it's gonna last until the end. i want to remember the glory days, the good laughs and jokes between sunshine and rainy days, warm comfort shared between close friends and tight knit bonds. i want to feel this and be happy, not sad. i want to be happy.

i wish i could replay all those times, the good times i mean. it's much better than facing the cold truth of reality - that time always leave you behind. it's tons better than facing the grave, unknown future.

and i don't know which way to choose. by god, i do believe in myself, but sometimes there's that moment of doubt and a flash of thought that screams you're a fucking kid! kids don't make grown up decisions! and i just lose it. i can't see the lines between staying in the moment and looking up to what's coming; they're all blurry to me, and it's not because i have bad eyesight.

i want to be who i want to be. i want to not give a fuck to what people are saying. i want to grow into my own skin and be happy all by myself. i want to remember who i used to be without being all nostalgic and shit, because it's stupid to feel sad about who you were.

i want to be everything i'm not right now. i want to be everything i was.

and i want to have everything back. i want to have a free life back, i want to have my friends back, i want to have my thoughts back. it's stupid, really fucking stupid now that i think about it, but it's my simplest wish. i always feel like i'm wearing a mask, that i'm not who i am right now. that i'm blending in with the crowd just to gain their acceptance, which i had never felt the need for. i feel like a hypocrite - like betraying myself.

forgive my rant, but blog, this is what you're meant to be, an object to store my deepest and darkest feelings.

enough with the want. because after rereading some old entries of friends of mine, i just realized this:

you were the closest thing i have to a best friend.
now i don't even know if i can look you in the eye anymore.

this goes to you, if you know who you are. i miss what we used to be. i wish you'd come back and i could come back and we could be the way we were. it's pointless to miss someone who's always there, but i miss you. i truly do.

what hurts the most, ladies and gentlemen, is not the pain of unrequited love or death of a beloved. it's the pain of missing something that's right in front of you, and the hatred you feel for being a coward who's unable to face the truth.

i will end this now and i will shut up and continue my homework and listen to anberlin's retrace because i so fucking can.

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012 7:00 PM back to top?
like a drum, baby don't stop beating

settle down, it'll all be clear
don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear

---

a good night, lads and gents! tomorrow i shall be leaving for Jakarta to receive a medal to honor my achievements (eaa). no i'm not a war hero, i'm just someone who made it to the top 1% of English ICAS test ;)

it's a darn shame that writing only gets me to Credit. if i had known it was narrative (for fuck's sake!) i would've been much more relaxed and told myself to be imaginative. instead i am stuck in "fight mode" in which i tend to analyze things critically and thus the wording of the whole writing is a bit odd for a narrative. i hate myself sometimes.

oh well. never mind the obvious facts. did i mention i love poetry now? sort of anyway, i fell in love with Crush by Richard Siken. I love the whole thing, really. it's so wonderful and enlightening to read.

you're in a car with a beautiful boy. and he won't tell you he loves you, but he loves you. and you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired.
you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling. and he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you didn't even have a name for.

so good. i dreamed of a movie using this quote, it was gorgeously heartbreaking.

i'm getting sleepy, so consider this a quick update haha! talk to you later bloooog :P


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Thursday, November 22, 2012 8:14 PM back to top?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEE FLUUUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFF, NEAR/MATT OR MELLO FLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFF. I LOVE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERYTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIING ABOUT THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM.

...nuff said.

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Thursday, May 13, 2010 1:56 PM back to top?
Kicking In

I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

---

Aww, I love that song. The quote is the line used in this story. It's awfully sweet, though a bit random. But sweet ^o^

Anyways, this is the first day of school without some friends because they're going on a trip to Jakarta for some actual Sister School program. Honestly I thought if our school has a sister school that means there would be some student exchange program, but it seems I'm wrong.

I had loads of fun today. Sitting with Via isn't that bad, Shinta and Bella are nice too. Well the rest of them are nice. And I hope someone will remember to buy me a necklace!

Well it started like this: this morning I found out my Byakushin wasn't with me when I had a shower, so I half-panicked, and decided to quickly finish my shower to find him. Apparently, he's under my pillow. Silly Byakuya! 

So then it turned out that my necklace was growing old and rusty (even though it's only been a few months) compared to the old L necklace. So mom fixed it :D

Argh, silly Byakushin! And do you know my sister now has a crush on DOCTOR NEAR?

Yesssh, I shouldn't let her read Spoiled Sanity in the first place. Now she wants to be like Mihael/Mihi/Mello. And she accused me of being Matt-ish (mind you, in that story Matt is a cold-blooded killer). WHICH I AM NOT.

Geez, I like Doctor Near, he's nice and all, but I DON'T LIKE THE MATT. NO. JUST NO.

Isn't it an irony that I hate that Matt but I love Doctor Matt? Especially when the doctor's patient is a certain albino named NATE but mostly known as NEAR? Oh sweet irony, both stories are written by the same author >.<

But the second story, called Thief, is more shota. Why? Because it has adult!Matt x weakteenager!Near. IT IS SO WIN. BUT THE ENDING, WHY DID MIHAEL DIEEEEEE?

It seems people agree that Mello wouldn't die for anything or anyone but Near XD

OH TRUE LOOOOVVVEEEE. IT OUTSHINES MY OTP!

ARRGGHH NOOO! I'M VANISHING! I'M VANISHING!
*poof*


















(....But we all know that Matt doesn't really want to help Mello during the explosion, because he's now in love with Near.....)

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Monday, April 12, 2010 11:05 PM back to top?
So Again and Again

I'll watch you dance around
To New Found Glory
On the front seat of my car

---

Yes. The dancing part is a contribution to Light IMAGAY. 28/1/2010 baby!

Goodbye. And GOOD RIDDANCE. Same goes to you, Mikami-san. It's a good thing that bitch Takada died already, and Misa's gonna kill herself on Valentine's Day next year. Now I'm perfectly happy.

So you're wondering why I confessed my love to all the beings in the world huh?

Weeeelll, a few minutes before I posted that post I read my email. And it's full of reviews from FFN.net users! And also Favorite Story alert ;D

Yes. I'm rolling in giddy at the time. I mean, who could ever expect people like girl!Matt/Near? It's pure love, I'm telling you. Even more so, the original pairing *gushes like a true fangirl*

COME ON, WHERE IS THE LOVE PEOPLE?

Oh and I'm wearing my new pair of jeans today. It's dark blue, and it goes up to my ribs so it kinda hurts. But I love it, not just because it's new, but because it's loose fitting. I like oversized things.

Now I'm reading a story or something. It's MN, but yeah, it's fine with me.

I must have started talking about Near more often, because that day, Matt said something that nearly killed me.

“You have a crush on Near, don’t you, Mells?”

That was the first thing I heard when I walked through Matt’s door. I choked on my chocolate, nearly spitting it out. When I finally calmed down, I was practically yelling. “W-What!? What the fucking hell, Matt! No, I don’t have a God-damned crush on that God-damned albino freak! How the hell could you even think that!?”

“Because it’s painfully obvious.” Matt didn’t seem fazed by my anger.

I glared at him. “How do you figure that?” I snapped.

“All you talk about is Near. Whenever I ask you to play video games with me, your excuse is that ‘Near would be studying, not playing stupid games’. Everything you do is centered on him. Either you have a crush on him, or you’re so obsessed that he’s all you can ever think about.”

I fell silent, my face heating up. “...” Was I really like that? No. Of course not. Because that would mean that I felt something for Near. I composed myself and addressed the redhead once more. “I can say with 100% certainty that I do not have a crush on Near, nor am I obsessed.” My eyes narrowed.
Matt seemed to contemplate all of this. “...Oh, okay. In that case, will you play a game with me?”

I was careful to avoid Near’s name. “I should be studying.”

“Then I’ll help you study.” Matt grins. I was slightly skeptical, but I’d do anything. I nodded, and Matt’s grin grew.

Matt grabbed up an abandoned textbook from the floor and flipped through it. “Tell me if you know it.” The first few were common knowledge before it got into things even I didn’t know. It was no wonder I was still second...

I was completely immersed in this odd study game, answering each automatically. I didn’t notice exactly what that last fact was.

“You have a crush on Near.”

“I know that.”

Matt smirked. My face reddened. “Shut the fuck up, Matt.”

The worst part?

I’ve always known that.

Yeah, a quote from it. Mello's POV guys. IDK I get the sense of nice fluff around here ^o^

And earlier at school M decided to take a look at my doujin collection.

...yes he read Pink Sniper.

...and California.

IT'S A GOOD THING I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING FROM H-EICHI EXCEPT THAT DAMNED MM DOUJIN. OR ELSE I'D BE DOOOOOMMMMMEEEEEEDDDD!!!

It's amazing why I never go to the evil side (AKA Matt/Mello).

And William didn't sit next to me at EF today so I think I got over my silly little crush on him.

Well, IDK for sure. But, uh, STOP TALKING TO ME.

Pretend that I never said anything about liking William, or stopped liking him. Or anything about the dude, mkay? Honestly I never got so OOC like this.

Y'know, I think I should post something about songs that remind me of certain situations or moods.

I KNO! I POST NEW POST! FAKK YEA! *lol I fail at trollspeak*

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Thursday, January 28, 2010 10:28 PM back to top?
Revelations

Say it's true; Say you like me
Just for the night, for me it's been eternity

---

IDK why, but tonight I had fun. Kinda.

My teacher at EF, Ms. Bernie, placed my noisy friend William - or as we call him, WW or W - to sit in the front. Apparently he took refuge beside me.

And he kept moving his chair, back and forward. Like a baby in a cradle or something.

Then before the lesson ends Bernie told us to pair up and ask each other questions. One will be the questionnaire, one will be the UFO victim (yes, we're learning about strange phenomena). I got paired up with WW. Whoopee.

And my questions were this:

1. Were there any bright lights?
Yes! It's like a flashy light. So colorful, like the rainbow.

2. Were you surprised?
Yes, I thought the rainbow was coming to me.

3. What was your first reaction?
*sighs and smiles* So beautiful.

And I asked him one bonus question:

Are you retarded?
No! You are!

4. Do you want to see it again?
Yes, it's so coooooolorfuuuuuul!

And he asked me a bunch of stuff, like

1. What is the shape of the UFO?
Like an egg, in an egg cup. *he glares at me then said 'be more creative!'* Okay, think of it as a huge pancake.

2. Can you see aliens, or humans, or any creatures inside it?
Yes. I can see one alien that looks like you. *his eyes stare at me accusingly, then mutters 'I didn't do anything wrong to you'*

3. ....
4. .... 

OKAY I FORGOT QUESTIONS NO. 3 AND 4. FORGET IT.

Honestly, it was fun. Really fun.

So on the ride home, I began to think why does every time I go to EF the first thing that's on my mind would be W. And why does every time I think of something, anything - actually censored words :p - I would think of William.

I got it.

I think I have a teeeny, weeeny crush on him. I think it's been there for a looong time.

Well at least now we know I do like real people, not only anime characters now

For fuck's sake, I don't know anything about that kid!

I only know he goes to Xaverius 1 High. He's in grade 11 and he's sixteen years old, going on seventeen. He can drive and he once hit a wall while driving and almost got hit by a truck. He went to Japan and Malaysia for that Home Stay program and he thinks Japanese girls are cute. He hates sports. On his last holiday he went to Singapore and met Jessica at the mall. His best friends are Dessy and Intan. His nickname is 'Broccoli'. He likes to tease Dyni. And we both often fight.

Come on, we quarrel, we fight. I like to make fun of him because he's a dog. And he likes to make fun of me because he thinks I'm so uptight.

And he's so old! I'm thirteen and he's sixteen. By the time I'm fifteen - when I finally enter high school - he'd be eighteen.

I wonder why I like guys who'd make me laugh.

Hell, Near's not much of a talker and I still like him more than William!

THIS IS STUPID.

Let's hope it's just fucking hormones messing with my system. This thing is such a nuisance -_-"

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010 9:00 PM back to top?
DO NOT REMOVE/ALTER CREDITS, DO NOT USE AS BASECODES, DO NOT CONVERT (to LJ, Tumblr, etc)
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