Tegan and Sara got this one right. I'm feeling like shit, again, and I have to learn to deal with these kind of things on my own. Yesterday was shitty, today was plain depressing. I cried my load for the first time this month, and it's not even close to my time of the month so I have no excuse of being hormonally weird.

Really, yesterday was supposed to be my day off, take a break from all the lectures and do some self-reading. But I got dragged into visiting my grandparents and then buying shoes (which I love). What I don't love about yesterday is my mom spraining her ankles and venting out her frustration of being unable to do things on me. It made me feel so, so sad. Really, I wanted to be mad but I can't because I understand where the heat is coming from.

And today is just.... hell. It's fucking depressing to get out of bed, for one. My mom's ankle still hurts to walk with, and my dearest sister gave me hell this morning. I can't read, can't focus, can't concentrate. I've been reading all the usual pick-me-up, but nothing helps. Tried listening to fast, upbeat music, but it goes in and out. And to top it off, I realized I couldn't come to a friend's surprise party. So I told another friend that I couldn't make it, and she barely bothered to read the damn thing. Really? Was it so hard to say "It's okay"?

Well in an essence, my self worth took a blow today. I'd say if I go drop dead this instant nobody would really care. Sometimes I feel so low I can't even look anyone in the eye. What am I to them? I'd rather be a nobody, I'd rather be nothing, than to hear them say I'm something while knowing the words are so far from reality.

Times like these I remember the words Anis told me:

and I wanted to break down inside. It sounds stupid, I know, but holding on to sincere words like that is how I cope. Along with hearing slow songs and reading long fictions.

Anyway, since today is someone's birthday, I guess I should say so: happy birthday VAU! Miss you lots and though I know you're not reading this I hope you're having the time of your life.

As for me, I hope I'll be okay soon. I know I'll be okay. I just don't know when.