cold nostalgia chills me to the bones [pt. 1]

and i wish i could still wish it was over

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yes this is not a fanfic. get a hold of yourself, people.

i. am. nostalgic. and depressing. and a thousand things more that is surely becoming more of a motive for me to shoot my head off. i don't know if i'm suicidal though.

it's february 2013, and i'm heading off to face my (currently) biggest obstacle in life. NATIONAL EXAMS. fuck it feels like ages ago i felt well and prepared for an exam. now i don't feel so sure anymore.

believe me, being in acceleration program has more cons than pros. for over-achievers and those who like to live in the moment, you'll hate it. immensely.

right now i'm trying to remember last summer, after listening to Jimmy Eat World's "23" playing on the TV and subsequently replaying Markuardo/Jewnicorn fanvids. i fell in love last summer.

last summer, i fell in love with the world. i fell in love with two people; one a selfish asshole, and the other a softhearted man, who hurt each other. i fell in love with their story, simultaneously i fell for how the world suddenly turns melancholy and sunny at the same time, and i was in love. i loved the world, i loved myself, i loved how happy i was despite the constant chill that came every time i thought of these two men.

i fell in love, and i fell out of love. i fell out of love with the person who has always been in my mind for three fucking years. and i blew it in a month. damn. i guess i liked the idea of him? or whatever. it didn't work out. but i was still happily loving the world and thanking God for everything.

until a few months ago, i fell in love for real. i fell, for someone who (imo) is perfect. he's like a step out of my crappy notes in textbooks, a living, breathing caricature of who i always wanted. witty, intelligent, caring. but at the last moment something made me open my eyes and see who he really is.

the thing that i'm trying to tell you is that i'm very moody, and thus my memory gets distorted by these godawful ~*~feelings~*~. well and i'm dramatic as well, pretending that my life is a book deserved to be read, or a movie deserving oscars and such. don't everyone wants that?

so the thing about love and life is, i want someone who loves me and my past and my future and me. i don't want to fall for someone of my imagination, no matter how tempting that is. i don't want to be disappointed, because reality has a knack of taking the rug from under your feet in a second, and that sort of thing hurts. you know why i'm keeping such thoughts like these permanent? so that when i finally found someone worthy, i can let them know about my secrets (even though it's only some) and my fears and perhaps let them inside just to give them a heads up of what it's gonna be like if they stayed for the long ride.

i'm not the kind to love-em-or-leave-em. but i'm also not the kind to propose the next person i'm in love with. it's.... complicated really. but basically, compared to fictional moments:

• i want that person to be like eames who knows how much i love them without me saying anything. and being a bloody brave sap for loving me for me.
• no i don't want us to be like dom and mal.
• i know i'm like mark, uncaring and selfish, but there's always a part of me who cares. i want that person to cherish whatever it is i'm giving them, as do i. but i don't want them to be as far too giving like wardo - i can't be that cruel.
• i wish that person would simply have unlimited amount of feelings, and is warmwarmwarm all the time because goddammit i want cuddles and silly grins. and dimples.
• and they'll also understand my need for privacy though always know when to pull me back up for some air.

Labels: angst, feelings, life, love, random, rant

Wednesday, February 20, 2013 6:31 PM back to top?