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Just leave me your stardust
cold nostalgia chills me to the bones [pt. 1]

and i wish i could still wish it was over

---

yes this is not a fanfic. get a hold of yourself, people.

i. am. nostalgic. and depressing. and a thousand things more that is surely becoming more of a motive for me to shoot my head off. i don't know if i'm suicidal though.

it's february 2013, and i'm heading off to face my (currently) biggest obstacle in life. NATIONAL EXAMS. fuck it feels like ages ago i felt well and prepared for an exam. now i don't feel so sure anymore.

believe me, being in acceleration program has more cons than pros. for over-achievers and those who like to live in the moment, you'll hate it. immensely.

right now i'm trying to remember last summer, after listening to Jimmy Eat World's "23" playing on the TV and subsequently replaying Markuardo/Jewnicorn fanvids. i fell in love last summer.

last summer, i fell in love with the world. i fell in love with two people; one a selfish asshole, and the other a softhearted man, who hurt each other. i fell in love with their story, simultaneously i fell for how the world suddenly turns melancholy and sunny at the same time, and i was in love. i loved the world, i loved myself, i loved how happy i was despite the constant chill that came every time i thought of these two men.

i fell in love, and i fell out of love. i fell out of love with the person who has always been in my mind for three fucking years. and i blew it in a month. damn. i guess i liked the idea of him? or whatever. it didn't work out. but i was still happily loving the world and thanking God for everything.

until a few months ago, i fell in love for real. i fell, for someone who (imo) is perfect. he's like a step out of my crappy notes in textbooks, a living, breathing caricature of who i always wanted. witty, intelligent, caring. but at the last moment something made me open my eyes and see who he really is.

the thing that i'm trying to tell you is that i'm very moody, and thus my memory gets distorted by these godawful ~*~feelings~*~. well and i'm dramatic as well, pretending that my life is a book deserved to be read, or a movie deserving oscars and such. don't everyone wants that?

so the thing about love and life is, i want someone who loves me and my past and my future and me. i don't want to fall for someone of my imagination, no matter how tempting that is. i don't want to be disappointed, because reality has a knack of taking the rug from under your feet in a second, and that sort of thing hurts. you know why i'm keeping such thoughts like these permanent? so that when i finally found someone worthy, i can let them know about my secrets (even though it's only some) and my fears and perhaps let them inside just to give them a heads up of what it's gonna be like if they stayed for the long ride.

i'm not the kind to love-em-or-leave-em. but i'm also not the kind to propose the next person i'm in love with. it's.... complicated really. but basically, compared to fictional moments:


  • i want that person to be like eames who knows how much i love them without me saying anything. and being a bloody brave sap for loving me for me.
  • no i don't want us to be like dom and mal.
  • i know i'm like mark, uncaring and selfish, but there's always a part of me who cares. i want that person to cherish whatever it is i'm giving them, as do i. but i don't want them to be as far too giving like wardo - i can't be that cruel.
  • i wish that person would simply have unlimited amount of feelings, and is warmwarmwarm all the time because goddammit i want cuddles and silly grins. and dimples.
  • and they'll also understand my need for privacy though always know when to pull me back up for some air.
little things like that. i just..........................................................

/brb too much feelings gotta puke/

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Wednesday, February 20, 2013 6:31 PM back to top?
This is Only A Game

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives

---

DAY THREE (I almost wished you'd come back to me)

Seriously. This story, reduced my happy joys to tears.

IDK what to say, except the reality sucks sometimes and right now I hate Oba and Obata sensei for killing Mello and give DN a slightly sad ending.
This passage:

You gaze down at his sleeping face, and there, you can see all that the two of you are (together)—all that you have been and all that you could (but will never) be, and that makes something tighten painfully inside of you, makes it hard to breathe for a second.

..is so much love. Seriously it's beautiful. And the story itself was meant to be hopeful, but sad at the same time. Y'know, it's supposed to show some more human side of M and N, and how they were so fucking obsessed with this game (catching Kira, only to avenge their idol) that they placed it on top priority above everything else (and it ruined everything. everything they could be. everything they've been.)

Please. Just leave me alone crying tears of sorrow and happiness.

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Saturday, February 20, 2010 5:24 PM back to top?
If We Were One

If we were one, my hair would bear colour, my legs would be longer and my hands would be faster.

If we were one, tanned on pale and red on pink and golden on silver; black and white would melt into fire.

If we were one, I'd love to run in the sun, and you'd see the allure of dices.

If we were one, we'd be a perfect being, invincible and irreverent and self-sufficient.

If we were one, I'd lose my boundaries and we'd lose our limits, and my skin wouldn't mean anything anymore.

But since we can't be one, at least, make me feel your presence, force your existence into mine, grab my chin, part my lips, and fill every inch of me.

And now that you can't do it anymore, and my other half is lost, my body has become numb, and will be waiting, and will be mourning with every breath.

But no one will ever know it.

 That is a fic from here.

I love the whole thing. How it begins so tantalizingly curious on how would they be if they were one (perfect), to how Near knows it's impossible since they never could, and perhaps meant to be but never meant to be, and he wishes Mello to make him feel his presence, by every step he take, every breath he take, every words he speak. To feel, force his existence to his own, make Near feel every inch of Mello, alive and well, and they are one.

But then Mello's gone and Near's just a half of something that could've been so perfect. And he waits, in mourning, but no one would know because he's Near.

Near. You fascinates me so.

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Monday, February 8, 2010 8:24 PM back to top?
Honestly,

You see it descends, lamenting at its plunging
And when it descends, oh when it descends,
You fall with it, any way it descends

---

I'm in a sorrow mood.

Guess what made this day turned into one of the goddamned awful ones in a matter of fucking minutes.

On second thought, no.

Just let me drown myself in misery.

Afterwards, after all this shit - let's go back okay? Just once.

---

Never fall to the temptation

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Saturday, January 16, 2010 9:20 PM back to top?
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