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Just leave me your stardust
and the moment hits me hard

now i find every subtle thing screams your name
it reminds me of places and times we shared

---

couldn't live, locked in these memories/now i'm chained to my thoughts again

lol sorry but i just had to continue that part up there because it's so sad. yeah i'm having a mental breakdown. how much has time passed really, i can't even keep track of it. last time i remembered it was 2010, and now we're heading to 2013 and was it really just last year when i joined a whole new world of high school? and the fact that i'm leaving for college next year really hits me hard.

i don't want to grow up out of these memories. i want to stay in this moment forever, feel like it's gonna last until the end. i want to remember the glory days, the good laughs and jokes between sunshine and rainy days, warm comfort shared between close friends and tight knit bonds. i want to feel this and be happy, not sad. i want to be happy.

i wish i could replay all those times, the good times i mean. it's much better than facing the cold truth of reality - that time always leave you behind. it's tons better than facing the grave, unknown future.

and i don't know which way to choose. by god, i do believe in myself, but sometimes there's that moment of doubt and a flash of thought that screams you're a fucking kid! kids don't make grown up decisions! and i just lose it. i can't see the lines between staying in the moment and looking up to what's coming; they're all blurry to me, and it's not because i have bad eyesight.

i want to be who i want to be. i want to not give a fuck to what people are saying. i want to grow into my own skin and be happy all by myself. i want to remember who i used to be without being all nostalgic and shit, because it's stupid to feel sad about who you were.

i want to be everything i'm not right now. i want to be everything i was.

and i want to have everything back. i want to have a free life back, i want to have my friends back, i want to have my thoughts back. it's stupid, really fucking stupid now that i think about it, but it's my simplest wish. i always feel like i'm wearing a mask, that i'm not who i am right now. that i'm blending in with the crowd just to gain their acceptance, which i had never felt the need for. i feel like a hypocrite - like betraying myself.

forgive my rant, but blog, this is what you're meant to be, an object to store my deepest and darkest feelings.

enough with the want. because after rereading some old entries of friends of mine, i just realized this:

you were the closest thing i have to a best friend.
now i don't even know if i can look you in the eye anymore.

this goes to you, if you know who you are. i miss what we used to be. i wish you'd come back and i could come back and we could be the way we were. it's pointless to miss someone who's always there, but i miss you. i truly do.

what hurts the most, ladies and gentlemen, is not the pain of unrequited love or death of a beloved. it's the pain of missing something that's right in front of you, and the hatred you feel for being a coward who's unable to face the truth.

i will end this now and i will shut up and continue my homework and listen to anberlin's retrace because i so fucking can.

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012 7:00 PM back to top?
like a drum, baby don't stop beating

settle down, it'll all be clear
don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear

---

a good night, lads and gents! tomorrow i shall be leaving for Jakarta to receive a medal to honor my achievements (eaa). no i'm not a war hero, i'm just someone who made it to the top 1% of English ICAS test ;)

it's a darn shame that writing only gets me to Credit. if i had known it was narrative (for fuck's sake!) i would've been much more relaxed and told myself to be imaginative. instead i am stuck in "fight mode" in which i tend to analyze things critically and thus the wording of the whole writing is a bit odd for a narrative. i hate myself sometimes.

oh well. never mind the obvious facts. did i mention i love poetry now? sort of anyway, i fell in love with Crush by Richard Siken. I love the whole thing, really. it's so wonderful and enlightening to read.

you're in a car with a beautiful boy. and he won't tell you he loves you, but he loves you. and you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired.
you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling. and he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you didn't even have a name for.

so good. i dreamed of a movie using this quote, it was gorgeously heartbreaking.

i'm getting sleepy, so consider this a quick update haha! talk to you later bloooog :P


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Thursday, November 22, 2012 8:14 PM back to top?
take a bite of my heart

whoa oh, what are you waiting for?
say goodbye to my heart tonight

---

(yoooo. morning morning ahahaha i'm kidding it's actually night.)

so i actually wrote this entry last night but because i was tired i didn't finish this. and now, November 21st 2012 i am finally writing this thing!

Sooooooooooooooooooo today is practically a waste of time. Like most days in school, instead of learning something (we did, the ratio isn't enough though hahahah) we played and read and basically RELAXED LIKE WHOA. That is not conducive learning atmosphere btw.

But right now we're having a biology experiment. Well had, cause it's done. And it's pretty cool playing with tweezers and pretending you're a dentist or at least trying to force feed people cotton balls, ha. Beside me is the lovely Nadia Utami al Hadi, who made a joke about how losing a heart is the easiest loss. I'm not laughing I swear, because that's just so lame. And now she's laughing. get off, Nadia. Don't make me tell you off like a cat.

I'm a bit pissed off right now because someone decided that asking my class their college application preferences is proper and the fact that he either forgets or lies about his own class' college applications just made me so freaking upset. GODDAMN IT MAN, MAN UP WILL YOU?

I sort of hate that guy because he just disappoints me too many times. I know I'm not supposed to put hope in someone I don't even know that well, but he's the one that started the whole thing. I'm just another junior asking about things, and he's made it personal; like some kind of private therapy session (the talks we share, I mean). And when it's my turn to depend on him, he turns his back on me and pretends he doesn't know. When I bet he knows all along, that motherfucker. Sorry I cuss too much I'm just too upset right now to be a ~*~proper~*~ student.

Oh for God's sake, I hate being proper. Why can't I just be myself and act like I don't care the way I used to do back in middle school? It's much easier to live that way, keeping distance from everyone to avoid this sort of confusion and disappointment. It's pretty hard to concentrate when you have something else keeping you up, you know.

Okay, end rant. Before someone decides to look over my shoulder and read this whole thing (even though this will totally get published for public reading).


Wednesday, November 21, 2012 2:55 PM back to top?
THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU DEANDAAAA (RIMA)

SHORT UPDATE AND IN ALL CAPS AND NO PROPER MARKS CAUSE IM FRUSTRATED WHILE WAITING FOR THIS PAGE TO LOAD.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI  BBLOG DO YOU MISS ME I MISS YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

TODAY IS NO DAY BECAUSE TODAY WE DO NOTHING. AT ALL. LIKE, TOTALLY. CROSS MY HEART I'M NOT LYING. SO BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF FORESIGHT I DIDNT BRING MY LAPTOP. I BORROWED RIMA'S SO I COULD DO YOU (YEAAAAHHHH) BUT THE INTERNET IS SO FRICKING SLOW SO FORGIVE ME FOR BEING ALL CAPSY TODAY!

AND SHEPTY IS CURRENTLY HANGING ON  ME LIKE A BABY. CUTE ONE THOUGH. DEANDA'S NOT CUTER HAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA


OKAY I AM NOT GUARANTEEING THAT EVERYTHING I WRITE HERE IS MINE. BECAUSE SOMEONE JUST HAD TO INTERRUPT AND CHANGE IT. HAR HAR HAR. I CAN ALWAYS EDIT IT WHEN I GET HOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (JUST KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALONE CAUSE I'M GONNA MAKE THIS PLACE YOUR HOOOOOOOOMMMMEEE)

(ALL I WRITE IN ^ IS A LIE. DO NOT BELIEVE THAT)

AT LEAST THAT SOMEONE HAS THE DECENCY TO WRITE EXACTLY LIKE ME.

(I'M LYING AGAIN)

MOVING ON TO OTHER THINGS, TODAY IS FINAL TEST! FINAL TEST! FINAL TESSSSTTTT! AND NOW I REMEMBER WHY I DIDN'T BRING MY LAPTOP JUST NOW BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO USE MY TIME TO STUDYYYYYYYYYYY BUT I DON'T WANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

STARTING FROM TODAY, AND TUESDAY, IT'S BYE BYE EF. AND CHRIS. AND EVERYONE ELSE HAHAHAHAHA

SO MY TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. I WILL USE THAT TIME TO SLEEP AND MEET EDUARDO SAVERIN (NOT THAT I KNOW HIM, I WANT TO KNOW HIM BUT I DON'T)

MAYBE I SHOULD START STUDYING. ACTUALLY STUDYING. I'M A LAME STUDENT.

AND ALL THIS CAPS IS MAKING ME HYPED; NOT TO MENTION THE KEYBOARD IS SORT OF HARD TO WRITE ON BUT IT'LL PASS. SO THE ~ENERGY~ IS FROM ANGER AND FRUSTRATION OF WRITING.

SMASHSMASHSMASH KEYBOARD. SOMEONE WILL KILL ME IF I DO SO I DON'T ACTUALLY DO IT HAHA.

OKAY, RANT DONE. THIS CLASS IS TOO FUCKING HOT SOMETIMES.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORNING!

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Thursday, November 8, 2012 9:29 AM back to top?
inspiration list (a personal memo)

1. set yourself on fire


see previous post here. TA and undergrad meets, falls for each other, breaks up. sort of inspired by many cookleta fics out there BUT THIS ONE IS HET. not that i don't like slash or anything haha.

so undergrad (portrayed by the lovely Rooney Mara) sort of likes her philosophy TA (Andrew Garfield, like ew). they begin dating without each of them knowing what they're getting into. somewhere along the way, she realizes he might be the one (DUNDUNDUNN) and he realizes she might be the one (cue double DUNDUNDUNNN). the thing is, while she's okay with that, though a bit scared, he's scared shitless. because what 18 year-old girl in their right mind would fall for him? he's a cynic, dull, and so freaking sarcastic. she should be with someone who's more optimistic, more vibrant, more alive. someone who embraces the idea of being in love with someone positively instead of outright denying it.
so the two walk in a fine line between i-love-you-s and we-need-space. eventually, he can't take it anymore. he tells her he needs his space, she gets hurt, and they fight. he basically tells her that he's letting her go /Come Back to Me: now playing/ and she's upset that he's not willing to fight for her /Skinny Love: now playing/. they break up with obvious ill-feelings towards the other.
time skip a few years later; she's studying her graduate program in a college somewhere that's not the same one where she met Mr. TA. somehow, the lack of relationships bother her and she tries to date. but she ends up comparing every single one of them to her man (or is it ex-man?). when a chance encounter brings them together once more, she's determined not to let him slip through her fingers. although she's come to peace with the fact that they weren't meant to be, she also realizes that they're just the right thing at the wrong time.
/and this is the part where they presumably fix the burned bridges :)/

notes: to be written in an irregular timeline (meaning it skips through moments, kinda like 500 days of summer but less confusing)

2. you go talk to your friends


a highschool!AU that Annisa Arum Melati requested. the prompt was this: taylor swift and bella thorne. i don't know if she means it as a pair or not but whatever. i'll work on it ;)

so tay and bel (haha, kinda like taco bell) are sort of friends but not friends. their parents think they're friends, but they're not actually that close. you know, the sort of friends who you don't consider your closest friend yet you end up telling everything to them? yes that friend. in high school, the tension between them is exacerbated by the fact that they're both straining to be popular. yes, popular.
i'm not a fan of stereotypes, but for the sake of simplicity and the state of my head let's just say that one of them becomes a sort of outcast and the other became a pop queen. they're still friends-not-friends but they're hanging with different groups and it's sorta hard to hang when your friends don't like who you're hanging with.
so let's say there's some big event that both want to join (the school forensic club perhaps?). and they both made it. and they are stuck as partners. and somehow the awkwardness of being a not-friend and hanging with different crews and not liking each other is making everything worse, and that's not what they want. they mend their friendship, form an actual friendship, and actually win the nationals.

notes: so it's like hsm meets mean girls, sorta, but i don't think that's the correct interpretation. because honestly mean girls > hsm har har



so currently that's all i have. sorry to disappoint, but i think i'm gonna continue writing more ~inspirations~ instead of actual fics because i fail.

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Saturday, November 3, 2012 9:05 PM back to top?
fanmix project! whooooooooo

this will be titled:

(you are) the reason

the backset of this mix is actually a story i made up in my head, of an undergrad falling for her TA who is about 5-8 years older than her. she's still 18, but she already feels like she's found her one true love, and he likes her, but he doesn't want this to be serious. but wrong turn mister: it got serious - and he's falling for her too though he doesn't want to because he thinks she should be with someone her age, someone who could actually feel the exhilaration of being in love instead of being cynical with the state of it.

long story short, they broke up. and a few years down the road she still remembers him, of how he made her feel and what he had taught her through their relationship, and thinks that maybe she can't really let him go.

(and maybe God gives them a second chance later. maybe.)

this mix is made from her point of view. and overall the theme of this is young love and heartbreak, and missed out chances.


cover

tracklist.

soon i'll post this baby on tumblr. buuuut not now because i have tons of things to do and waiting for mediafire to finish uploading the .zip file is so not on the list. har har doing this is fun, maybe i should log on to tumblr and post some actual pictures instead of reblogging :P

oh and since there's no lyrical quotes to begin the entry, let me post this down below:

and i'm feeling like a newborn child every time i get a chance to see you smile
it's not complicated, i was so jaded


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8:19 PM back to top?
uh........ hi? HI FYEAH MAN

if your plane falls from the sky
who would you call with your last goodbye?

---

sooo since i'm pretty much bored, i think i'll start writing here instead.
/i was gonna do a vlog but i pretty much fail at talking so....... yeah./

HELLO BLOG NO TIME NO SEE DO YOU MISS ME SAY YOU DO BECAUSE I KNOW YOU DO HAR HAR HAR

aaaahhhh i miss using capslock. since being a high school student i never got a chance to actually express myself in the ole 'locks! it's so liberating though haha. forgive my sudden jumble of thoughts but i just had to get this all through my head. i swear i'm thinking this as i type ---- so pretty neat, huh?

of course i'm neat. i'm like, the best, yo.

OKAY aside the very narcissistic comments, i'm pretty much okay. neurotic still, but doing a-okay.

i just finished my semester test. why semester test you might ask? well m'dears, it's because in accelerated class the semesters only last for 4 months and so my 4 month time limit is up and i have to face a test. ooo scary.

but i haven't actually finished my test yet. yeah i kinda skipped day 1 and went straight to day 2 because i'm ~awesome~ and like, don't need to take a test on something i'm not ready yet.

i should've done the same for day 2. i hate day 2.

oooooooooooooh how much i missed ranting.

i'm currently writing this as well as cleaning out my old laptop. yes my red laptop is old. i have a new red laptop now thanks to HONDA (<3 allah="allah" and="and" another="another" apparently="apparently" better="better" buuut="buuut" for="for" gave="gave" god="god" guys="guys" had="had" hahahaha.="hahahaha." i="i" it="it" me="me" much="much" of="of" p="p" plan="plan" promoting="promoting" s="s" selling="selling" sorry="sorry" thanks="thanks" thinking="thinking" this.="this." um="um" was="was" you="you">
so i was saying, laptop cleaning. yeah there are a lot of stuff there that needs to be backed up but thankfully i have my trusty iPod to play harddrive for the day. oh how much i love it when circumstances fit to our liking.

so yeah. gonna do some changes to this blog first then maybe i'll continue to write. if not... adios for now!



7:32 PM back to top?
DO NOT REMOVE/ALTER CREDITS, DO NOT USE AS BASECODES, DO NOT CONVERT (to LJ, Tumblr, etc)
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