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Just leave me your stardust
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turn down the light
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come on skinny love
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It's almost like loving
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All the time, darling now all the time
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if there's a moment where i could cry i'd cry and cry because sometimes you just need to let them all out for the sorrow to lessen
Sunday, October 20, 2013
10:17 PM
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189
there are words
and there are
words you repeat
and cannot say.
repeat until it
makes itself a place
in a nook of your brain.
and well,
you remember them
each night you stare
at the ceiling like it was sky.
numbers you recall,
blindly as of fact
but you turned
blind at those numbers.
you forget them
because they no longer
hold the words for you
the distant bridge now burned
dissolved like flesh
in mercury and your words,
you eat them
and you spit them out
because it hurts.
one night is all it takes
for you to become
that girl who sits
beside that boy
who longs forever.
and you smother your pillow because.
numbers. words.
and you hold back
from rubbing salt in your wounds
because words and
numbers no longer dictate you,
no sir, you're a woman
who needs no man.
but you stretch a horrid grin
as you say:
(not words, not numbers)
i woke up last night and i remembered these numbers and i missed him and you left out the part where you cried and cried until you gasped his name
Labels: loss, love, poetry, self made
10:14 PM
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you've got the faith that i could bring paradise
nobody likes to, but i really like to cry.
nobody likes me, maybe, if i cry.
---
Tegan and Sara got this one right. I'm feeling like shit, again, and I have to learn to deal with these kind of things on my own. Yesterday was shitty, today was plain depressing. I cried my load for the first time this month, and it's not even close to my time of the month so I have no excuse of being hormonally weird.
Really, yesterday was supposed to be my day off, take a break from all the lectures and do some self-reading. But I got dragged into visiting my grandparents and then buying shoes (which I love). What I don't love about yesterday is my mom spraining her ankles and venting out her frustration of being unable to do things on me. It made me feel so, so sad. Really, I wanted to be mad but I can't because I understand where the heat is coming from.
And today is just.... hell. It's fucking depressing to get out of bed, for one. My mom's ankle still hurts to walk with, and my dearest sister gave me hell this morning. I can't read, can't focus, can't concentrate. I've been reading all the usual pick-me-up, but nothing helps. Tried listening to fast, upbeat music, but it goes in and out. And to top it off, I realized I couldn't come to a friend's surprise party. So I told another friend that I couldn't make it, and she barely bothered to read the damn thing. Really? Was it so hard to say "It's okay"?
Well in an essence, my self worth took a blow today. I'd say if I go drop dead this instant nobody would really care. Sometimes I feel so low I can't even look anyone in the eye. What am I to them? I'd rather be a nobody, I'd rather be nothing, than to hear them say I'm something while knowing the words are so far from reality.
Times like these I remember the words Anis told me:
hati hati pilih kawan, kamu tuh orang baik de.
and I wanted to break down inside. It sounds stupid, I know, but holding on to sincere words like that is how I cope. Along with hearing slow songs and reading long fictions.
Anyway, since today is someone's birthday, I guess I should say so: happy birthday VAU! Miss you lots and though I know you're not reading this I hope you're having the time of your life.
As for me, I hope I'll be okay soon. I know I'll be okay. I just don't know when.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
7:46 PM
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when you know i can't (love)
and maybe i am a crook
for stealing your heart away
---
haven't wrote in this blog for a longgggg time, so hello! hi!
i am no longer a high school student. NO LONGER A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT. fuck yes. i just had to announce that haha. currently i am stuck in the space between high school and college - the glorious four months break. from studying. hhhh. God knows i can't get a break from studying.
soooooo my months are filled with internet-based activities and sleeping and fangirling. generally making myself an equivalent to a sloth, which is a harder work than you think. i've also went to spiritual vacations (lol just one, very satisfying though) and it made me think of existential questions and how i'm probably unfit to answer them wisely without coming off as pretentious. or old.
instead, i drown myself in angst (and believe me, new fandoms = MORE ANGST fuck yeah) and music and John Green novels. because the fault in our stars and looking for alaska and recently paper towns ruined my fucking perception on falling in love for the first time ahhhhh
so. back to the topic at hand, i consider myself a much more mature person, finally growing into my personality. i have been told that i finally look less like a sixth grader and more like a twelfth grader, which is cool, but not cool because I AM NOW IN COLLEGEEEEEEE.
whoops got out of hand with that one, sorry.
and now let me tell you all about the stories going on in my mind, like somehow i thought i would die in my 40s or 50s peacefully, and have twin boys. uhhhhhh too soon? yes, i think so too.
wait don't let me tell you about them. let me tell you about my current fandom loves:
Skyfall
yes, Skyfall is a Bond movie, but NEVER MIND THAT DANIEL CRAIG IS IN HIS 40s AND TECHNICALLY NOT MY USUAL TYPE he's hot. along with his dearest Quartermaster - played by the endearing Ben Whishaw - they are my biggest ship. they have chemistry, arguably platonic but ssshhhh i'm wearing slash glasses right now so it doesn't matter. both of them are easy to pair, mainly because the Skyfall fandom is very open and since it's a movie franchise the usual amount of tension from waiting for another episode (hah, episode) is slim to none. yay.
Teen Wolf
this. this is my kryptonite right now. why? because there are good looking guys, very good looking guys, and teen wolf has them. lots. lots and lots and lots with a lot of shirtless scenes and gritty, bloody, worn abs and general swoon-worthy manpain and in one case, dimples. fucking dimples, i'm looking at you McCall.
this show proved that i am a teenage girl deep down in my soul; not a teen boy trapped inside a female body. which is, yay. multiple yays. unless you might think i might be gay, which is, um, not likely. but seriously, HORMONES ARE RAGING. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. this show has ripped my heart multiple times, crushed it in its hands, and mended it together with every single Scott/Allison moments.
let me make you a list of hotness so we can be clear:
1) Scott McCall/Tyler Posey
2) Derek Hale/Tyler Hoechlin
3) Stiles Stilinski/Dylan O'Brien
4) Isaac Lahey/Daniel Sharman
5) Danny Mahaleani (?)
and so on and so forth.
and the girls, i fucking love Lydia Martin because she's gorgeous as hell and smart and scary. and Allison is like the disney princess/katniss everdeen cross which makes her ever so awesome.
THIS SHOW RULED MY SUMMER LIFE.
seriously.
i don't think i can be bothered to continue now that my thoughts have gone haywire. i'm sorry but i'll take a rain check on this one.
Labels: 00q, college fuck yeah, fandom, life, love, school, scott mcstupiddimples, skyfall, teen wolf
Friday, July 5, 2013
11:12 PM
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cold nostalgia chills me to the bones [pt. 1]
and i wish i could still wish it was over
---
yes this is not a fanfic. get a hold of yourself, people.
i. am. nostalgic. and depressing. and a thousand things more that is surely becoming more of a motive for me to shoot my head off. i don't know if i'm suicidal though.
it's february 2013, and i'm heading off to face my (currently) biggest obstacle in life. NATIONAL EXAMS. fuck it feels like ages ago i felt well and prepared for an exam. now i don't feel so sure anymore.
believe me, being in acceleration program has more cons than pros. for over-achievers and those who like to live in the moment, you'll hate it. immensely.
right now i'm trying to remember last summer, after listening to Jimmy Eat World's "23" playing on the TV and subsequently replaying Markuardo/Jewnicorn fanvids. i fell in love last summer.
last summer, i fell in love with the world. i fell in love with two people; one a selfish asshole, and the other a softhearted man, who hurt each other. i fell in love with their story, simultaneously i fell for how the world suddenly turns melancholy and sunny at the same time, and i was in love. i loved the world, i loved myself, i loved how happy i was despite the constant chill that came every time i thought of these two men.
i fell in love, and i fell out of love. i fell out of love with the person who has always been in my mind for three fucking years. and i blew it in a month. damn. i guess i liked the idea of him? or whatever. it didn't work out. but i was still happily loving the world and thanking God for everything.
until a few months ago, i fell in love for real. i fell, for someone who (imo) is perfect. he's like a step out of my crappy notes in textbooks, a living, breathing caricature of who i always wanted. witty, intelligent, caring. but at the last moment something made me open my eyes and see who he really is.
the thing that i'm trying to tell you is that i'm very moody, and thus my memory gets distorted by these godawful ~*~feelings~*~. well and i'm dramatic as well, pretending that my life is a book deserved to be read, or a movie deserving oscars and such. don't everyone wants that?
so the thing about love and life is, i want someone who loves me and my past and my future and me. i don't want to fall for someone of my imagination, no matter how tempting that is. i don't want to be disappointed, because reality has a knack of taking the rug from under your feet in a second, and that sort of thing hurts. you know why i'm keeping such thoughts like these permanent? so that when i finally found someone worthy, i can let them know about my secrets (even though it's only some) and my fears and perhaps let them inside just to give them a heads up of what it's gonna be like if they stayed for the long ride.
i'm not the kind to love-em-or-leave-em. but i'm also not the kind to propose the next person i'm in love with. it's.... complicated really. but basically, compared to fictional moments:
- i want that person to be like eames who knows how much i love them without me saying anything. and being a bloody brave sap for loving me for me.
- no i don't want us to be like dom and mal.
- i know i'm like mark, uncaring and selfish, but there's always a part of me who cares. i want that person to cherish whatever it is i'm giving them, as do i. but i don't want them to be as far too giving like wardo - i can't be that cruel.
- i wish that person would simply have unlimited amount of feelings, and is warmwarmwarm all the time because goddammit i want cuddles and silly grins. and dimples.
- and they'll also understand my need for privacy though always know when to pull me back up for some air.
little things like that. i just..........................................................
/brb too much feelings gotta puke/
Labels: angst, feelings, life, love, random, rant
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
6:31 PM
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[fanfic] and he was a hurricane
(
Posting this in my blog first, because I don't really want to post anything in my LJ right now.
Maybe I should get a new journal. Whatever.
)
and he was a hurricane
The Social Network/Looking for Alaska
Pairing: Mark/Eduardo
Rating: PG, illusions to death
Notes: Written because I wanted to. Listened to this mix while writing, gave me the inspiration to base this off the events in Looking for Alaska.
Disclaimers: The Social Network is a work by David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin, and Looking for Alaska is by John Green. I own nothing but the words used in this story, and the idea to morph these two amazing creation together.
You don’t like to be reminded of cold summer nights, the sticky air breezing through gaps between the window and the sills and cigarette smoke filling up the steamy air of the bathroom. You press your head to the surface of the glass pane, seeking comfort in chilly morning dew and early sunrise. The papers from your lawyers are left untouched, a mess on the coffee table in your spacious living room. The coffee maker stirs to life after you turn it on moments ago, the only sound in your empty apartment.
The space, the time, everything is a shade of who you used to be. They’re half hidden memories in the back of your brain, piling up like a slow flow of lava to the surface. Most days you don’t care who’s watching while you close your eyes, leaning against the sturdy back of your chair, willing the pain in your head to subside as you work in the glass office. You take a lot of pills now, your mother would be upset to know how many, but it helps you sleep. You sleep regularly now, four to five hours, from eleven to four, sometimes five. You function normally, or as normal you can be without anyone to mother you.
The normality of how your life turned out to be sometimes scares you. Of how you manage to get to be that without anyone’s help, really. Or the way now nobody cares whether or not you live your life.
You still think of him. In the lines of code you write, the corner fold in some books which used to belong to someone else, in the North Face jacket you bury beneath hoodies and suit jackets and everything in between. He was the reason for your strive for recognition, the driving force of his smiles and tight lipped grins which leads to the creation of something that both of you had only ever dreamed of. Sometimes you wish he was there, so you can pull him close, showing him what you’ve made, what he’d made you made.
Straight and fast, he had written in a corner of your lecture notes, which he had kept. The note was found slipped between the pages of a book, and you found it a month after he left when you cleaned his stuff from his room in Lowell. You lamented it over, opening up healing scars and forcing both Chris and Dustin to look back at the year before and the way you grieve so openly it scared them.
Now they visit you from time to time. They understand your need to immortalize a piece of him in this world and helped you create this. This thing was his, yours. But you can never love them like you love him.
That summer is gone, far behind you. And you’re no longer red eyed and staring at the ceiling at odd hours of the night. You don’t hide behind the thick walls, thinking that emotions are no longer necessary because he was no longer there to see them.
Yet you give a time just for him, just to feel him inside your mind, your heart. Thinking how lucky you were to have met him, even for a moment. To feel your chest breaking as you love, to be content with the warm gaze and equally warm hands. Analyzing the drastic change of who you were, before and after. You may not remember him as clearly now, but he was your hurricane.
You pull away from the chill of the window, and turn your head to face the sun. Another day comes, and goes.
---
Labels: fanfic, looking for alaska, the social network
Thursday, January 3, 2013
9:06 PM
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and the moment hits me hard
now i find every subtle thing screams your name
it reminds me of places and times we shared
---
couldn't live, locked in these memories/now i'm chained to my thoughts again
lol sorry but i just had to continue that part up there because it's so sad. yeah i'm having a mental breakdown. how much has time passed really, i can't even keep track of it. last time i remembered it was 2010, and now we're heading to 2013 and was it really just last year when i joined a whole new world of high school? and the fact that i'm leaving for college next year really hits me hard.
i don't want to grow up out of these memories. i want to stay in this moment forever, feel like it's gonna last until the end. i want to remember the glory days, the good laughs and jokes between sunshine and rainy days, warm comfort shared between close friends and tight knit bonds. i want to feel this and be happy, not sad. i want to be happy.
i wish i could replay all those times, the good times i mean. it's much better than facing the cold truth of reality - that time always leave you behind. it's tons better than facing the grave, unknown future.
and i don't know which way to choose. by god, i do believe in myself, but sometimes there's that moment of doubt and a flash of thought that screams you're a fucking kid! kids don't make grown up decisions! and i just lose it. i can't see the lines between staying in the moment and looking up to what's coming; they're all blurry to me, and it's not because i have bad eyesight.
i want to be who i want to be. i want to not give a fuck to what people are saying. i want to grow into my own skin and be happy all by myself. i want to remember who i used to be without being all nostalgic and shit, because it's stupid to feel sad about who you were.
i want to be everything i'm not right now. i want to be everything i was.
and i want to have everything back. i want to have a free life back, i want to have my friends back, i want to have my thoughts back. it's stupid, really fucking stupid now that i think about it, but it's my simplest wish. i always feel like i'm wearing a mask, that i'm not who i am right now. that i'm blending in with the crowd just to gain their acceptance, which i had never felt the need for. i feel like a hypocrite - like betraying myself.
forgive my rant, but blog, this is what you're meant to be, an object to store my deepest and darkest feelings.
enough with the want. because after rereading some old entries of friends of mine, i just realized this:
you were the closest thing i have to a best friend.
now i don't even know if i can look you in the eye anymore.
this goes to you, if you know who you are. i miss what we used to be. i wish you'd come back and i could come back and we could be the way we were. it's pointless to miss someone who's always there, but i miss you. i truly do.
what hurts the most, ladies and gentlemen, is not the pain of unrequited love or death of a beloved. it's the pain of missing something that's right in front of you, and the hatred you feel for being a coward who's unable to face the truth.
i will end this now and i will shut up and continue my homework and listen to anberlin's retrace because i so fucking can.
Labels: l word, life, rant
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
7:00 PM
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